What I am finding out is that my thoughts flow very differently when writing with a pen on paper. So much so, that I have decided to keep a paper diary (and lead to a conversation about pens). When I feel like I want to post something, I can transcribe and edit it then.

But I arrived here by a little $3 purchase, something so insignificant and innocent that it is hard to believe. A few years ago I bought a cheap disposable fountain pen. This was done in an effort to write cleaner and put less stress on my hands. It worked. My handwriting became cleaner, and I can write longer. But what I found is that I enjoy writing on paper again. To me, there is something meditative about this process.

With some life events that have popped up, I am starting to re-evaluate parts of my life again. One of the things I need to do is reflect more about day-to-day events that happen. Writing things down on paper seems to be a good first start on this journey.

One of the life changes was as simple as a pen. This change will stay with me. There is something so ironic about the high tech person here eschewing electrons for a primitive instrument. In the end for me it is about balance, and we all go through swings in life.

Maybe I over did this last swing. While I have become very involved in the SF leather community, and have traveled to many leather and fetish events over the past few years, I feel like I am fairly out of alignment.

It will take time, but I will figure out which path to go down next.

While grabbing dinner last night, one of my friends said something that has been weighing on me. He asked me what body type does he fit into. This of course lead to the whole gay body type spectrum conversation and where we think various people we know fit in. In the end, I don’t think we really determined what body type bin we should put him in.

But when I woke up this morning I realized that this is obsession over body types is often unhealthy. Maybe this goes back to the fact that I am not hyper-sexual in this previous post. Sexual attraction is a complex subject and discrimination is often part of it. But what happens if you don’t neatly fall into one of the discrete choices?

We have somehow made the act of finding someone to fuck (or be fucked by) a SQL statement. Login to Grindr/Scruff/Recon (or any app for that matter), see who is near by filtered by the small set of ‘interests’ and body types.  Voilà you have found today’s fling which you will probably never see again. But what happens if you the people whom which you are compatible with for a regular fuck buddy or even as a partner(s) for doesn’t self identify this way?

*Sips coffee* I think I will leave this here for the moment. I keep on having many diverging thoughts to the matter.

Even when the event is local, there is a bit of an emotional drop for the next few days. After Up Your Alley this year I’ve been pondering more than normal to distract me away from the chaos at work.

One of the thoughts going through my head this morning is that I have never seemed to fit the stereotypical norm regarding sexuality in the gay community. I have never really felt hypersexual in my day-to-day life. But even amongst the crowds I follow, it more or less seems to be the norm. Events like Up Your Alley, Folsom, and even Pride make me feel kinda awkward afterwords since for me sex is not my primary goal in attending or working them.

Recently this image keeps on making it around.

I think it is a better way to look at things. One’s moods change day-by-day, it is best if you look at it where you live on a normal day. If I had to place myself, I am somewhere around a D5 and E5 in my day-to-day life. But for me to feel hyper-sexual is not a common thing for me. It generally requires that I am in the right mood and right crowd. It is one of the reasons I don’t end up at many sexually charged spaces like bathhouses regularly.

Very rarely do I see someone and go, I want to go pin them down to the ground and breed their ass (or vice versa).

I am thinking it is one of the reasons why I have been getting into more watersports. Since I don’t have that hyper-sexual drive I don’t feel that immediate connection at first.  But there is still pleasure in the dominant act of pissing on or in them (I’ll have to post about how I started getting more involved in that another day). But what I am finding is that these acts often provide that initial connection that I need to make that sexual connection, even it if is just a quick fling.

Also being oblivious to people’s reaction doesn’t help. On more than one occasion someone has gotten upset that I didn’t pick up on subtle clues that they wanted to fuck. I think it might be tied in to this.

That’s all for my thoughts this morning.

-Shiny