Morning arrives. Alarm Wakes
Buzz… Buzz… Buzz…
Put my eyes in.
Reality blinks into focus.
Walk into the closet.
How do I want the world to see me today
Put on the spandex. Colorful, shiny, and tight…
Second guess myself.
Tie my shoes.
Ready to brave the world.
Grab headphones and turn on the music.
Do I want the world to see me in this?
Do I listen to this self doubt?
Put aside this feeling, pick a direction.
Ignore the world around me
Let my body pick a pace.
Run somewhere where I won’t be visible.
Head into nature. What little we have.
Sweaty, awake, refreshed…
See other people. Some ignore, but some stare.
‘Freak’ ‘Fatass’ and other words of harm they must think
Continue until I get home. Walk into the door.
Grab the camera and let the daily ritual continue…
Click… Click… Click… Chimp… Chimp… Chimp…
Criticize every flaw in my body.
Select the pictures. Process them.
Ponder what will yield the best social media reaction…
Post to social media sites. Wait for likes…
No one will like this!
Doubt settles in…
Is this what I look like now?
Yes, this is the results of your hard work.
A deluge of likes and reactions, further disconnect
This is not you… This is all an illusion!
Is this me? My mind can not accept…
Still wearing the sweat soaked spandex.
That can’t be my ass, my legs, my bulge.
It is an illusion…
That can’t be my smile.
That is not you. It is the illusion you put on social media!
These feelings overtake and saturate my mind
But it is you.
The struggle continues as I change for the day.
Peel off the spandex.
Someone is masturbating to your selfie
Normally that thought would make me laugh
But no one would do that…
Why don’t I accept who I have become?
It is all temporary…
It is not…
Why does this struggle surface?
Large changes are hard to accept…
Nothing is permanent… You will fail!
Can I put these doubts behind and move on?
But you must!